My Own Confusion

Walking with my dog through downtown, I stopped into this kitschy but creative retail store on the main street where I’ve purchased some strange and goofy gifts from in the past (like magnets of cat butts and a book about horrendous baby names) for my good-humored sister and brother-in-law. There was a "Help Wanted" sign on the door and so I thought I'd fill out an application - a writer needs to supplement the income, right? And how glorious to work in a store that might actually make me laugh! It would be a welcomed change from a classroom of teenagers that usually made me cry (sometimes, yes, they did).

Anyway, I walked up to the counter and a young, stylish Indian girl was talking with an old, Asian female customer. The Asian woman was leaning over the counter and saying, "You need check your computer! That 27 dollars. That too much!" The Indian girl said impatiently, "No, it's 26 dollars." I got the feeling this wasn't the beginning of the conversation. I just stood patiently. The Asian woman spoke again, "Oh?" she said, and stared at the Indian girl, who just stared back, confused. Then the Asian customer repeated, "You check. 27 too much. Check computer." The Indian girl spoke with irritation, slowly, "Yeah. I checked. It's 26." The Asian woman threw up her hands with a “Humph!” and walked out of the store.

The Indian girl was clearly shaken by the confusing non-conversation. She turned and looked at me, but didn't say anything, her eyes wide. So I just waited for her to get her bearings. I smiled. She finally said, "Oh! Sorry. That was really weird. I think that woman was drunk!" We both laughed, and I asked for an application. She said they only accepted resumes and didn’t have applications to fill out. “Oh. Okay,” I said. “Maybe I’ll bring one by later,” and turned to leave.

Almost to the door, I stopped at the funny magnets section (I always do). There was one that had a photo of Obama that said, "The President of the United States: Now with 20% more funk!" I chuckled. Then I saw one with a photo of Jack Kerouac, whose writing I just got into after visiting the old Beatnik bookstore, City Lights, in San Francisco this summer. In fact, I’m almost finished with Caroline Cassidy's book, Off the Road. She was the wife of Neal Cassidy who was Kerouac's friend and the inspiration behind Kerouac's wild main character, Dean Moriarty, in On the Road. Caroline was probably in her 40's or 50's when she wrote her book, which is inspiring. And, hey, she's quite a good writer! Imagine the insecurities she had writing her book, being surrounded by such Beat greats as Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg! Jack was actually in love with her; they had an affair. Lord, talk about confusion! That poor woman had to endure some serious craziness being married to the infamous Neal Cassidy and being a lover to Jack Kerouac. Talk about ups and downs! It too much! But I won't spoil it for you, and...I digress.

So, ANYWYAY, it was cool that there was actually a Kerouac magnet at the store. How apropos, I thought, since I’ve been getting inspired by the Beatniks' wicked antics and strange quests for spiritual knowledge through their writing. The magnet said, " 'I have nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion.' - Jack Kerouac " Lovely! Confusion, indeed. Apparently, Kerouac was lambasted by most critics for On the Road when it was first published. Even Ginsberg, Jack's good friend said something about the stream-of-consciousness style being appropriate only for someone who thought like the author, which, I think, was insinuating that Jack’s style was a bit unliterary and boorish, and his writing unattainable for most readers. But, Jack kept writing anyway, though he was plagued with doubt and insecurity. (His alcoholism was likely a way to numb those thoughts, I'm sure. It's such a bummer about that!) But, anyway, I liked what Kerouac said about offering others our own confusion. Somehow, that was comforting to me. It was kind of like seeing the wide eyes of that Indian girl behind the counter who looked at me in utter confusion. That was all she had to offer me at that moment, and, hey, we both got a good laugh from it!

Too often we think we shouldn’t be confused. We should know the answers all the time and right away. We can’t just sit still in our confusion for a bit. We look to self-help books and priests and gurus to sort out our confusion and help us find the answers instead of trusting our own wisdom. We even look to books that are not self help, but that at least tell us a nice little story that has a message that we hear or a mystery that we can solve and has a last page we can finish and a cover we can shut and a shelf we can put it away on or, better yet, a friend we can pass it along to – a conclusion to the confusion. But I think confusion is part of the process, and it's part of the plot. It’s what most books are about - the long and arduous process of figuring it out. The exciting climax is the shortest part of the book! It’s the instantaneous tipping point that hopefully results in some resolution, some end to the confusion. And we sigh with relief! But maybe we don’t have to wait to the end to sigh with relief and we can actually laugh along the way. Like right now, I'm confused about how to be a writer, but I'm trusting the process and being okay with not knowing (most of the time). Right now, all I have to offer is just that – my confusion! At least I'm clear about it (ha!).

As for the little Asian lady...well, hopefully she had her resolution somewhere, later that day. I appreciated the girl at the counter being open with me about her confusion, and Kerouac, too…because, hey, we're all still learning, right? We’re all tangling and mangling around in the plot part of the book most of the time. But, then, our book comes to a climax and we’re okay. We have a resolution. We have a magnet. Hallelujah! So I guess when we are confused, we might as well just smile, sigh, get our bearings, keep reading, and know we’ll eventually be okay. And in the meantime, we can all have a good laugh about it - with 100% more funk!